The Dads role - in and out of the NICU

Initially, many Dads struggle to come to terms with what is happening in the NICU, and are not quite sure what they are required to do to help their partner, their baby, or themselves.

This episode discusses some of the roles that I found to be really important during the early phases of our Journey, in and out of the NICU.

There are so many awesome organisations that provided information packs for new parents in the NICU to help you along your way, including:

- PANDA - Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia - https://www.panda.org.au/
- Life's Little Treasures Foundation - https://lifeslittletreasures.org.au/
- Miracle Babies Foundation - https://www.miraclebabies.org.au/

Transcript

Growing up, I had nightmares about exams while at school and university.  I would be dreaming that I had just walked into the exam hall, sat down at my desk and opened up the exam paper – only then realising that I didn’t study for this subject at all!  The first time I followed my daughter into the NICU post-delivery, it felt exactly like those dreams.  I don’t know what to do! Why was I here? Is this real? I felt so underprepared! 

The phrase “Deer in headlights” gets thrown around a lot.  But for me, it describes my initial encounter with the NICU perfectly. I remember back to the moment I was following my daughter into the NICU, she was still on the mobile resus table, and the Doctor was still breathing for her.  When they moved her in to position and began connecting her up inside the isolet – the NICU became the headlights, and I just stood there crying and not knowing what to do! 

INTRO

G’day Dads!  Hope you are all doing ok on your journeys so far!

Today I wanted to talk about the role of the Dad in and out of the NICU. There are so many vital facets to the life of a NICU Dad, that it can be hard to pin point the major tasks and responsibilities for us.  It can all feel so overwhelming. 

From most Dad’s perspective, the Mum’s have full control and say in what is going on.  They have done 100% of the work to get to this point, and will continue to do 99.9% of the work moving forward.  Watching what my wife did, and what my wife went though blew my mind. What she continued to do post-delivery just kept on amazing me!

This is when I realised that I needed to do more, and to not just be a spectator in what was happening.  The nursing staff and doctors were fantastic and always spoke to both my wife and I, but it felt like everything was directed towards the mother for final approval or insight. I wanted to have more of a role, more of an impact.  I wanted to be apart of all of the fun that was unfolding. 

I began to speak to a number of Dads that had been in the NICU for a while to get their insights.  I got some awesome advice on some small things to do along the journey. other dads in the NICU will be your best resource for help as they have lived it and are continuing to live it! 

So, lets have a look at some of the major elements of my role in the first few weeks. 

·        Looking after my wife!

o   You have to make sure you wife or partner is ok.  They have just gone through an unbelievably traumatic experience, and they will be hurting physically, mentally, emotionally and possibly spiritually. 

o   You need to be there for them now more than ever to reassure, protect, listen, help and comfort. 

o   My wife had a ceaser, so she was limited in her mobility and ability for quite some time.

o   I showered her for the first few days (which was quite the bonding experience!), helped her in and out of bed, in and out of wheelchairs, took her up and down to see Lara, went to get real food (as the hospital food was less than ideal). Basically did everything for her that she wasn’t able to do for herself. 

o   I regularly checked in with her to see how she was holding up emotionally and mentally.  We both found this to be really effective in keeping us both as sane as possible through our time in the NICU. We couldn’t really do much for each other in this space, but just talking about it really helped. 

o   Some of the conversations that I had with my wife were really raw and open about what was going on.  She was clearly struggling in the early days with her own processing of what was happening.  She broke down a few times with comments like “I’m sorry this happened, I wish my body was able to keep her in there for longer”. I felt so bad that Jess thought like this, as she was taking it really hard, and there was absolutely nothing that she had done to lead to what had happened, but this is how it can effect people.  

o   I had to remember to be calm and patent through the first few days, as my wife had so many emotions running through her, that I knew if she was flat, I had to pick her up.  If she was flying high, I had to keep her measured. If she was emotional, I had to keep her happy, and if she was short with me or a bit snappy, I had to say “yes dear” and move on!

o   Comforting her was my biggest role in the early days! Keeping as positive as I could (even if I didn’t feel positive) was so important.  

o   During the first few nights, I would have to help my wife express breast milk, as it was her first time doing it, and her supply had not fully come in initially. 

o   Some times we were battling to capture every single drop, as the colostrum in the first few days was so beneficial for our little girl, that literally every drop counted! 

o   Once my wife was discharged, the best way I could help was to make sure all of the pumping equipment was always readily available, sterile and clean, getting the labes ready. Taking as many tasks off my wife enabled her to focus on the important roles that she had to play. 

o   I did more around the house, more washing, more cleaning, more cooking, more everything.  It was about time I stepped up to be honest HAHAH 

·        Getting to know your baby and getting hands on!

o   The more you can be physically involved with, will take the load off your partner, and the staff will bring you in to do more if they can see that you are prepared to get involved. 

o   Get involved in the “cares” which is what our nurses called it when they had to change the nappies, change the CPAP over, and give the bub a little sponge bath. Doing this was actually really cool, and helped me form a bond with my daughter along the way.

o   Kangaroo Care – ask for it daily, once your consultant is happy to let you do this.  The first time you get to hold your little baby will be so special (remember to get as many photos as possible!)

o        ON that – one thing that you can do a lot of is to document and record the journey for your little one in the NICU.  Take as many photos and videos as possible, or as much as you are allowed to in the NICU or Special Care Unit.  They are really helpful to look back on from time to time – especially to see where your little one has come from to where they are when you have low days. 

·        Starting to read to my baby!

o   I was told about this one on day two, and set a challenge for myself to read to my daughter every single day.  Looking back at the reading log, I managed to achieve about 75 days consecutive reading – the only reason I didn’t get through it every day was that some days were pretty rough, and Lara had been moved around a fair bit and looked like she just wanted to rest quietly. I read to her on as many days as possible along our journey.

o   In all, I clocked up over 2000 minutes of reading.

o   We only had a handful of books, and I just read them over and over again.  This was so relaxing and therapeutic for me, and really helped to form the bond I was looking for. It also meant that when I walked in to the room and spoke, Lara was able to recognise my voice, and she would crack a smile from time to time at the sound of my voice.  This was such a special feeling for me!  I finally felt like I was acknowledged in the process! 

·        Be the information provider and seeker:

o   Sometimes it can be difficult for your partner to talk about what is going on to your friends and family, so maybe you can be the information provider.  

o   Keep people updated so that they can keep abreast of what is going on, so it will be a bit more clearer if you go through a rough patch and go off the rails a little bit.  

o   This also goes into being the information seeker – at times, there can be info overload for your partner, and it can all get too much for her emotionally and mentally.  You need to be able to pick up on this, and suggest that maybe she take some time out, go for a coffee or a bite to eat, and you can stay for the doctors catch up or review.  

o   At times, you need to be a filter.

o   Ironically for me, my wife is a Paramedic, so she thrives on the info and knowing what is going on, where I know nothing about medicine. But even still, at times it got too much for her, as it was so raw and real.  Lara was not her patient she was her daughter, and hearing about all the bad things that were happening was never easy to listen to. 

o   You can talk with the nurses and doctors and try and get your head around the data, the numbers and the processes that were taking place.  The more you can understand it all, the more you can reassure, inform and protect your partner. 

·        Be there as much as you can

o   I was so fortunate that I was able to tap into “secondary Carers leave” at work, which enabled me to have 6 weeks of paid leave to be in hospital. 

o   I spoke with my boss and kept him up to speed along the way, which opened up a really positive dialogue for honesty and trust in the fact that I needed time away from work to be with my family, and when I needed to work from home along the way, there were no questions asked!

o   Talking to your employer about what is going on will be critical in the early stages, as there may be support available through your work, or there may be leave you can access that you didn’t know existed. 

o   Even if it is as small as being able to turn up to work a little later and leave a little earlier than normal, any little bit will count, as your partner will be there pretty much all the time, you need to try and share the load as much as you can!

o   Even talking to you wider team to see if they can talk a bit of your workload off you will be huge.  Your head wont be in the game when you are work, so having reduced duties will be the best thing for you. 

o   Having said this, don’t feel bad if you would rather be at work, or if you feel better when you are at work.  This can be our outlet or escape from the NICU.  So don’t shy away from going back to work once things settle down – as it can actually be a good distraction for you! 

·        Stay healthy and ready for anything:

o   If you are not sleeping, not eating well and drinking to much (just like I did), you are not on top of your game. 

o   Your mental and physical health is absolutely critical at the best of times, let alone being in the situation you currently find yourself in. 

§  You need to stay on top of you lifestyle as much as you can.  If you get sick or run down, your involvement will be diminished!

§  Seek professional mental health help along the way, eat well, and stay as active as possible – it will certainly help to clear your head, and minimise the dad bod! 

o   The transition to parenthood brings many unexpected challenges.  According to Perinatal Anxienty and Depression Australia (or PANDA for short), 1 in 10 Dads experience postnatal depression.  To find out more about PANDA, please check out the episode notes for links. 

·         

·        I don’t have any other children, 

o   so I wasn’t required to look after anyone else, but speaking to other dads who had kids at home at the same time, I couldn’t imagine how hard that must have been.  If you are in this situation – you need help!  Don’t think you can handle it all – you might be able to juggle it for a while, but one day you will crack, when you don’t see it coming, and by then it might be too late to pick up the pieces.  Ask for help from family and close friends – considering the circumstances, they will drop everything to help! And if they offer it, please take it, even if you think you are fine! 

All NICUs will have heaps of handouts and info pamphlets for your to take home and read.  

One thing that I received in the NICU was a small Dad’s pack with some helpful info pages.  I will post images of these on my socials soon. One of the amazing organisations out there is the “Life’s Little Treasures Foundation”.  I received a “Tips of Dad’s” flyer that provided me with some additional tips in my first few weeks that were so beneficial to know:

There are other brilliant organisations out there that do some amazing work for mothers, fathers, families and babies, so please take the time to seek them out and engage with them in your local community. 

I would love to hear about other tips or elements of the role of the DAD in the NICU that you identified – what did you do? what helped you? how did you overcome the stressers placed on you?  Please reach out and let me know!